My illness first manifested in my adolescence, I think when I was about 14. This is partly a genetic inheritance from my family (as most of us suffer some form of depression) and was likely brought on by the chemical changes in my body at the time. This illness most likely would have as remained some low-level mood issue; however, I was subjected to a lot of emotional (and sometimes physical) bullying through three of the five schools I attended from early childhood to my late teens. This bullying built layer upon layer of issues on my illness until I had developed a full major depressive disorder. I still suffer episodes of this disorder now into my mid-30s.
So what is major depressive disorder? Wikipedia has it defined as "a mental disorder characterised by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities". This is generally true, but I'd like to go deeper into what this illness is for me...
- First and foremost, this illness is episodic, which means I get the clusters of symptoms in irregular cycles. I used to suffer this quite badly when I was younger, but (thankfully) I only suffer "attacks" every now and then.
- As a teenager (and stretching into my early 20s), I had very little self-esteem or self-worth... sometimes none. This in turn meant that I had very little confidence in myself. Going forward, I have slowly developed confidence in myself but still have lingering self-doubts (that little voice in your head that says, "you're not meant to be here!"). These self-doubts have led to an underlying paranoia in my dealings with people, as I often worry about being judged or found to be a phony.
- Probably the worst part of depression is the self-hatred. This symptom and the low self-esteem seem to feed off of each other in some cyclical way, emotionally putting a sufferer through the wringer. At some of the worst times, I felt exiting would be a good way to free loved ones of the burden I was putting on them. At other times, there was some cutting - I still have scars down my forearms and on my ribs. Nowadays, I seem to have gotten past this symptom for which I am so thankful.
- During some episodes, I ended up taking medication; the rest of time, I skirted the edge of alcohol abuse. The unfortunate thing about alcohol is that it in itself is a depressive, so you drink to make yourself either feel better in some way or to not feel at all, but you end up making the problem worse. I ended up losing control in my mid-20s, and eventually had some sort of emotional breakdown. That breakdown was like the snapping of a stretched rubber band, and I was able to bounce back quite quickly and self-impose some behaviour changes. Go forward a decade and I can enjoy myself with a few drinks, and no fear of hitting that downward spiral again.
- I used to be a bit of a drifter. I had a lot of mediocre jobs and failed attempts at university, because I had a lack of drive to succeed. I also had relationship troubles where I'd only have either drunken one-nighters or short-term things. I had very little motivation and that, combined with the drinking, did not make me particularly attractive to potential partners. After the breakdown, I hit an upward curve of good things happening to me. I had a couple of good relationships, and eventually ended up with my wife - we've now been together nine years and have two beautiful children. I got a job with my current employer and quickly found my niche there, rapidly moving up the ladder to my current role. I also successfully completed an extramural degree.
I was luckier than some in that I had a life-changing moment and subsequent good fortune, after which I was able to find some personal clarity and was able to move forward through my illness. However, I also had really supportive family and friends who stood by me during the worst times. This support, more than medical treatment, is critical for any sufferer of this and any other mental illness. Without support and understanding, we are as alone as our illness makes us feel.
